Thursday, August 20, 2009

Last few days

August 16, 2009
Killian was semi-cognizant for 30 seconds, two times today, at which point he asked us to look up the definition of “sperm.” As I read it, he said, “yeah, zygote, that’s what I was thinking,” and went non-responsive. Hours later, he says (after struggling for a memory of a name for quite some time), “Ed came by and said he knows I’m bedridden, but wants to take me somewhere.” We haven’t seen Ed in months, but it does not seem strange that Killian gets a virtual visit from him. We said, “sure, you can go with Ed.”
August 18, 2009
Feel like I’m losing everything. Fought with BFF about choosing the date for Killian’s memorial. She wasn’t ready for it. Disagreement is too much, and all I can think is that I’m losing everything—my best friend, my dog’s affection, my ability to drive, my heart, my soul. After a half hour of wailing, I hear Dominca’s voice in my head telling me, “you’re not losing everything…you’re losing your son.”
August 19, 2009
Ed phones. We talk about what Killian said. Ed says, “I don’t know about all that…but I did have something I’d like to say to Killian. Please tell him ‘you did it’ for me. He took quite a load for this life and not only did it, but inspired a lot people in the process.” I get off the phone and tell Killian this. Everything else I’ve told him, about moving on, about there being a better place, about all of us being o.k., about him being o.k…. none of it resonates. “You did it” does. I get what Nurse Mary says will probably be the last verbal response. Killian, barely audible, says, “can you fix my eyes?” I say, “no, baby. I can’t fix your eyes. I can’t fix any of this.” His forehead furrows slightly in distress. I say, “but you do have the most beautiful eyes.” Always with the comedy, just like his father, Killian bats his eyelashes. I say, “I love you,” he mouths the same.
August 20, 2009
I describe the activities of the night, the breathing, the whatnot to Nurse Mary. “Just so I’m clear, here, this is what you people call “active dying, right?” Nurse Mary says, “yes. It won’t be long,”

18 comments:

Megan said...

Killian did it for me, too.

With you from Minnesota,
Megan

Carol Maltby said...

Babs, Phil, Cally and Killian:

There are many of us reading here, listening or reading by way of Imus, by newspaper articles, or via any of the other places where we've learned so much about love and living from Killian and his family. There are over 1500 fans signed onto the Facebook SOMEWHERE ELSE fan page. Some you'll eventually meet, others will just be quietly in the background.

It's a net of connectiveness that comes out of what Killian worked so hard for, and I think it's not going to fade away. Ed was right. "You did it Killian." And I have a feeling that what Killian did will have a legacy that doesn't stop here and now.

At painful times like this,
sometimes it feels like the love and friendship out there can't do anything to help. Know that it's there around you, and that Killian's work and life mattered to strangers, and will matter in days to come.

Ilene said...

Me, one among the many out here--feeling, wondering, dreading, caring, hoping, checking, reading, feeling, folding and thinking of all of you, Killian and his family, with love sadness respect gratitude, and the unarticulatable. Your telling of truths, like Killian's beautiful cosmic comic spirit in eyelash bats, brings a strong though fragile smile, wells of tears and swells of the heart.

marghie said...

Babs,
I can't pretend to know how you are feeling, so I won't. I do want you to know that these glimpses into your family and the wonder that is Killian have given me a whole new perspective on what it means to be a mother, how to fight for and cherish my children. You a wonder as well. I wish ..
But please know how much you, your family, and Killian have affected all of us, even those of us who haven't met him in person, but through your words. We are with you in spirit, you are very much loved.

Sara said...

Just caught up with your latest post from London. There are no words! Dorothy and I send love, prayers, thoughts, light and whatever energy you can use. Toasted you all in good Irish whiskey tonight ....

Alexa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alexa said...

Killian, of course you bat your eyelashes! You're incredible and an inspiration to us all.

Love, Alexa

Kraziekatie24 said...

I was never close to Killian in Orchestra but everything he's done has inspired me so much. I'll never forget him and il be thinking and praying for your family in the next few days.

Both your children are beautiful. I worked with Cally during her second grade year and have been thinking a lot about her recently. Her article in the Olive Press every few weeks makes me laugh. She's a wonderful child and could you possibly give her a hug from me? (I'm Katie)

The thing I've loved most about Killian and Cally is their eyes. Only such beautiful kids could have come from such beautiful parents. You are an amazing writer. :)

The whole school is thinking of Killian right now. Everyone loves him and he'll always be in our hearts. He has touched the world and that truely is an amazing gift for a person to have.

-Katie Kelder (violinist with Killian and a volunteer with Cally's 2nd grade class)

wini baldwin paetow said...

Thank-you Mansfields for generously sharing your hearts and home with us. A whole school, community and (now) listening world feel the void. Our sweet, vibrant, brilliant Prince will be sorely missed.
Know that you are loved by so many....

wini baldwin paetow said...

Thank-you Mansfields for generously sharing your hearts and home with us. A whole school, community and (now) listening world feel the void. Our sweet, vibrant, brilliant Prince will be sorely missed.
Know that you are loved by so many....

Jackie Kuhls said...

Killian "did it for me" too.
Love,
Jackie

Diane said...

Killian blessed us and will bless us still and always. (He came to Brian in a dream the other night.) And you have all been very generous with your love. You are loved by us and remain in our prayers.

Diane

Loretta said...

Let the love of your family, friends and community hold you up and carry you on during this time. Killian did it for us all. Loretta and family

Laurie said...

Oh dear Babs, I am so sorry. I am grateful that I got a glimpse of a life well-lived. Wishing you peace and healing.

Save Our Community Schools candidates said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Janet said...

peace, love and light to you and your family.

janet

jimfriedlich said...

We are blessed to have worked with Killian on "Somewhere Else," great art by a visionary young musician. He lives forever in the music and in our hearts.

Jim, Stu, Josh, Dan, and David at the Savoy Label Group
Shokan, New York, LA

Readerstheater said...

The insights, the music, the joy,the optimism, the resiliance and the love that filled Killian's life (and will remain his legacy) were able to grow freely in the home that you and Phil made. Please find comfort in knowing that Killian had the absolute best parents to accompany him during his time on this earth. I am here for you.
Sarah Parker Foster