August 16, 2009
Killian was semi-cognizant for 30 seconds, two times today, at which point he asked us to look up the definition of “sperm.” As I read it, he said, “yeah, zygote, that’s what I was thinking,” and went non-responsive. Hours later, he says (after struggling for a memory of a name for quite some time), “Ed came by and said he knows I’m bedridden, but wants to take me somewhere.” We haven’t seen Ed in months, but it does not seem strange that Killian gets a virtual visit from him. We said, “sure, you can go with Ed.”
August 18, 2009
Feel like I’m losing everything. Fought with BFF about choosing the date for Killian’s memorial. She wasn’t ready for it. Disagreement is too much, and all I can think is that I’m losing everything—my best friend, my dog’s affection, my ability to drive, my heart, my soul. After a half hour of wailing, I hear Dominca’s voice in my head telling me, “you’re not losing everything…you’re losing your son.”
August 19, 2009
Ed phones. We talk about what Killian said. Ed says, “I don’t know about all that…but I did have something I’d like to say to Killian. Please tell him ‘you did it’ for me. He took quite a load for this life and not only did it, but inspired a lot people in the process.” I get off the phone and tell Killian this. Everything else I’ve told him, about moving on, about there being a better place, about all of us being o.k., about him being o.k…. none of it resonates. “You did it” does. I get what Nurse Mary says will probably be the last verbal response. Killian, barely audible, says, “can you fix my eyes?” I say, “no, baby. I can’t fix your eyes. I can’t fix any of this.” His forehead furrows slightly in distress. I say, “but you do have the most beautiful eyes.” Always with the comedy, just like his father, Killian bats his eyelashes. I say, “I love you,” he mouths the same.
August 20, 2009
I describe the activities of the night, the breathing, the whatnot to Nurse Mary. “Just so I’m clear, here, this is what you people call “active dying, right?” Nurse Mary says, “yes. It won’t be long,”