I keep thinking of that one line from Country Joe & the Fish, “and it’s one, two, three, what are we fightin’ for?” The rest of the song doesn’t fit—pointless violence, wasted lives… But that one line is in my head.
Killian casually mentioned this morning that more cancer is in his other arm—the one not radiated—and he feels like he’s losing function of it. We continue to dress the large wound on his face, which is a constant challenge as it continues to grow—these days, within the day. He’s developed a pressure sore on his very tiny butt, breathing is more labored, a tooth is falling out…but this is what happens with someone who is very ill, who has been very ill for a long time, who continues to fight.
Cat was outside, urging Moses “do your business, already!!” It was raining, and Moses would rather explode with held-in waste than go out in the rain. He hates water. Killian asked, “why is he so stupid that way?” Not meaning to compare him to a dog, but doing so anyway, I reminded Killian of his own fear of water when he was but a lad. I had to carry him through puddles, and he usually cried during baths. Coming home in the rain from pre-school once, I was carrying him over a large puddle, and in a panic he scurried up my body into a choke hold on my neck screaming, “I’m drowning, I’m drowning!” His response to this tale, “at least I knew when to pee.” We then got into a discussion about the possibility of past lives. “I’m not a Buddhist, I don’t think,” he said. “I don’t consider freedom from choice a higher state. I don’t think having choices is suffering.” Killian has been talking to chaplains from all sorts of religions lately. “I do think there might be something to reincarnation…just not sure about the rest.” More song lyrics in my head: “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.” And then I start thinking about Janis Joplin and the 40th anniversary of Woodstock coming up. And then I think about how consistently in my head the song “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer” has been lately...
He's sorting it out. I'm in a gerbil cage.